It’s that time of year again, the time when people make new resolutions. In about two weeks it’ll be the time for people to give up those resolutions, but we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves now, do we? No, now is the time to focus on improving ourselves, to bettering the world around us, and to making people forget that we didn’t do anything with last year’s resolutions. The trick is to find a resolution that will be so easy to keep that you won’t even need to drop it. Like buying a cellphone from HeightsDeals.com. What, you’re gonna return a great phone that doesn’t work? I didn’t think so.
The holidays are over, and you still haven’t gotten anything worth keeping. A depressing thought? Quite possibly. The truth of the matter is that sometimes the holidays aren’t over. Holidays are fickle things, I’m sure you’ll all agree, and whether they’re over or not is entirely interdependent of the date on the calendar. To the Santas still prowling Times Square looking for a quick buck, the holidays won’t be over until well after the fat lady has not only finished singing and gone to the bar for a drink, but until she’s coming back to the sing the National Anthem. For other people, the holidays ended six weeks ago, which means that their kids had a miserable festival season. Sad, really, when you think about it. In fact, it’s extremely sad. You remember waking up in the morning on the 25th, running to the tree under which your parents had lovingly placed gifts, and finding said gifts under said tree? Was that not a wondrous time? Don’t you want to help thousands of children worldwide who didn’t get to experience that feeling this holiday season? Of course you do.
Here’s where, if this were an infomercial for a charity, we’d tell you to give us money so that we could buy presents to give to neglected kids. But that wouldn’t be right, for two reasons. One is that these charitable organizations really aren’t helping these kids. You inquire as to the reasoning behind this shocking assertion? Let me explain. Essentially, what you’re saying to these children as you distribute Elmos that tickle to them is, “Your parents are incapable of taking care of you, and that’s why we, an NGO, need to replace them and give you toys.” Sure, the kids are happy, but all you’re really doing is breaking down the traditional parent-child relationship and replacing it with an even more damaging (to the child’s psyche) codependency, with the child coming to view the NGO as their parent figure/personal pagan god, and the NGO coming to depend on the child to stay poor and suffering so that the NGO can fund raise on the child’s behalf and skim thirty percent off the margins in order to pay for the directors’ salaries and the sushi bar at the annual NGO Fundraising Dinner. In short, the NGO has a vested interest in keeping the man down.
What’s the second reason that it wouldn’t be right for us to ask you to give money for a poor suffering child? Because we’re not a charity. That’s right, we don’t deviously take your money and run.
Of course, your heart is still breaking over the plight of the poor child suffering from want of gifting, and you want to know how you can help. Well, let me be the first to tell you that the best, easiest, and most productive way to accomplish this is to buy yourself a brand new cellphone from HeightsDeals.com. How will this help the poor child, suffering from lack of gifting and abandoned by NGOs, who, without your support, are powerless to prevent the inescapable? I’ll tell you how (just as soon as I finish telling you that the best, easiest, and most productive way to accomplish this is to buy yourself a brand new cellphone from HeightsDeals.com). You see, when you buy a cellphone, you’re enabling the mighty economic engine of the United States of America (and its dominions) to awaken from its slumber and once again begin the process that was begun so many years ago, the process by which the world was saved in yesteryear and in which future generations will also bask. In short, “Reaganomics.” Hey, at the worst, you still got a cellphone from HeightsDeals.com. And if you’re feeling guilty, you can always buy that kid a phone too.
Dwayne Wade, for his career, has averaged 25.3 points per game. This season, he’s averaging 26.6 points per game. His team, the Miami Heat, are averaging 97.92 points per game. You know what that means? That means that he’s scoring well over a quarter of his team’s points per game this season- and yet he still has time to design a phone! Obviously, if you have T-Mobile, you need this phone. Even if you don’t have T-Mobile, you still need this phone. Why? Because it’ll increase your points per game exponentially. Seriously. Let me demonstrate how:
1. You walk to American Airlines Arena.
2. You’re not in Miami? Excuse me then, let’s back up a little…
-3. You board a plane to Miami.
-2. Wait, you don’t want to go to Miami? Why not? Ever heard of South Beach?
Obviously we need to rethink this whole strategy. How’s about I come up with some new suggestions?
All right, here goes.
You walk into your local NBA/NBDL/WNBA arena and take a seat. Any seat, doesn’t matter. You have a Dwayne Wade Sidekick 3, you tell the ushers where they should stand, not the other way round. Next, you flip your phone open and start texting. Surfing the web. Being the envy of all those around you. The star of your local NBA/NBDL/WNBA team walks over and says, “What you got there, boy?” You notify the star of your local team that what you have in your hand is a genuine Dwayne Wade Special Edition Sidekick 3. The star notifies you that he’ll be confiscating your phone based on NBA Rule #583, Section XI, Subsection B, Paragraph C, Volume 91: No fan at any basketball game may have a nicer phone than any player on the court, pursuant to Rule #669, titled: “If said fan can shoot better than the star player on the court, then said fan can keep the phone.” You say to the star, “Wanna ball for it?” He does, but with your new Dwayne Wade Special Edition Sidekick 3 in your hands you easily defeat the star. How? You’ll only find out once you buy a phone…
There’s been a lot of talk lately in the news about certain golfers doing certain things and getting bashed on the head with the tools of their trade. It’s a sad, sordid tale.Fortunately for you, there’s nothing to worry about. At least, we hope not. Instead, look to the future, and purchase a product that might have saved a certain golfer’s reputation if he’d had any sense at all. Seriously, all he needed was to use his brain a little, and you know what would happened? Absolutely nothing. He would have continued on winning (I’d guesstimate another six majors easy), had twins a couple more times, and generally lived the good life. Instead he didn’t purchase any products from HeightsDeals.com, and look where he is now- the AP’s Athlete of the Decade!Just kidding. I mean, he is the AP’s Athlete of the Decade, but is he respected in every nook and cranny of America and Sweden? I think not.
Am I suggesting that I should become Tiger Woods’ personal adviser and lead him to the promised land? Well, yes, I am. Look where his previous personal advisers got him. More pertinently, if those personal advisers are listening, than they should really take into consideration the following suggestion: Tiger Woods should buy a Jabra BT530. How would this make his life better? At this point all it’ll really do is enable him to make hands-free calls and look cool, but if his people can somehow engineer a temporal time-warp and bring us back three weeks or so, when Tiger was still first in the hearts of his countrymen (not to mention the Swedish), it would do him a world of good. Just imagine, Tiger’s pulling out of his driveway, and suddenly his phone rings. Tiger, being a conscientious driver, and not having a Bluetooth (seriously, how often does the guy even ever drive [besides golf balls] himself? Once in never?) ignores his phone, and seconds later his wife comes out and starts pounding. If he’d had a Jabra BT530, with:
*Multi-colored light for status and battery indicator
*Quiet mode – turns light off after one minute
*Dual Microphone solution for Noise Blackout
*Digital sound enhancement via DSP technology
*Noise reduction on transmitted and received audio
*Noise dependent volume control
*Automatic volume adjustment on receive audio
*Acoustic shock protection
*Qualified for Bluetooth Specification version 2.0 + EDR (enhanced data rate), supporting Headset and Hands-free Profiles for phone conversations and Advanced Audio Distribution Profile (A2DP) for streaming music
*e-SCO for enhanced audio quality
*128 bit encryption
*Dual wearing style with 3rd generation Jabra Eargel and flexible earhook
then he’d be fine. Tiger gets the call, Tiger’s wife doesn’t have to rush out, and voila! they have a beautiful conversation, calm and collected, everything in its proper place, and we’d never know nothing. Everyone would be happy (besides for Phil Mickelson), and this whole story would never have occurred.
The moral of the story? Buy yourself a Bluetooth headset from HeightsDeals.com, and you won’t end up splashed on the front page of every tabloid between here and Sweden.
When was the last time you treated yourself to something really nice, something really special, something really tremendous, something really great? I bet it’s been a long time, huh? And the truth is, even when someone does do something really nice, special, tremendous, or great for you, is it really that wonderful for you? I mean, we all know that when someone wants to buy you a gift they should just buy what they’d like, but what if the gift giver is a 37 year old mother of three with OCD tendencies? Do you really need four hundred Audiovox Surface SURF402 Wet/Dry Screen Wipes? Sure, they’d be nice to have, but how many screens do you have anyway? Which brings us to another issue.
How many screens do you have? Do you have screen-inferiority complex syndrome? Sure you do. And we have just the thing for you- a phone with two screens! It’s like two for the price of one! It’s like the most incredible thing that ever happened!
Now don’t get carried away, because then we’ll both be carried away and there’ll be issues. Instead, pay attention to the phone I recently presented, the T339. Not only does it do routine phone shtuff like make calls, receive text messages, and take pretty pictures (and ugly ones too, but I won’t go down that particular avenue right now), but it even has a particularly nifty feature that will make you sit up and take stock of your surroundings. The T339 can make calls even when there’s no phone reception. How does it work? With wave-bending mind-altering hyphen-splicing super powers? Is there a small animal that leaps out of the phone when there’s no reception and runs to a location where there is reception, with a little cord tied to his tail with a little pink bow to provide reception? That would be cute, but the answer is also, alas, no. Perhaps the T339 simply refuses to be held back by the oppressive cellular reception junta and fights the big man, creating reception where none existed before, living a twilight life of good deeds and raging against the machine? Not quite.
The T339 is a WIFI phone. What’s that you ask? Well, let’s say you’re stuck in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan evading American troops, and you remember it’s wife 57’s birthday. What do you do? With a regular phone, you’re stuck with fiddling around on the keys pretending to make a call, and making up a good message that you never left on her answering machine. With a T339 though, you just connect to the local Wifi network and BOOM! It’s an A-10 Warthog blasting you to kingdom come.
For more ordinary people, you can expect crystal-clear reception in your rec room or basement, the kinds of places you normally wouldn’t be able to make calls.
And there you have it- a sweet phone with extraordinary capabilities.
Are any creatures stirring? You tell me. There’s no reason that creatures shouldn’t be pulling their credit card or paypal accounts out and starting to spend, because there are some great deals on all sorts of good shtuff here at HeightsDeals. Of course, we’ve got some really slick phones, like the LG KS360 for just $129.95. That’s a great-looking phone all right, and it’ll make a great holiday gift for that special someone(s) in your life. Or maybe not. Maybe they don’t want a really phone. If this is the case, then I’ve got the perfect solution for you. Buy yourself the phone, and get her (or him [or both]) something they’ll really enjoy, like some AHA! Brilliant Moisturizer 1.75oz – For Combination Skin, which will knock their socks off. And they’ll love you forever. Yup. Who knew happiness could be bought so cheaply?
SAMSUNG SPH M300 CDMA SPRINT PHONE for just $49.95! That’s $30 less than regular-if you need a Sprint phone, then you can’t let this deal sprint by you! (ha ha)
http://www.heightsdeals.com/mobile-phones/samsung/samsung-sph-m300-cdma-sprint-phone.html
You know why this phone is so good? Because it’s for people who use Sprint. Now I know that lots of people don’t use Sprint, and we’re really happy for you, but lots of people use Sprint, and they need phones too. We here at heightsdeals.com are equal-opportunity phone commercialers, and we try to make everybody happy all the time, which is impossible, but as I said, we try. Point is, this phone is great at what it does, which is make calls on the Sprint network, and nobody has to get hurt either. Heck, not even your wallet has to get hurt-this great phone is less than fifty bucks!
The Sumsung you need...
KING RICHARD III: Here I am, looking for a new phone, preferring one that is of roses but content with anything that I might make a phone call with.
CATESBY: My lord, is that all you look for in a phone? Then the Pantech Breeze C520 AT&T might be exactly what you are looking for!
KING RICHARD III: But that phone is locked! What do I do if I don’t have AT&T?
CATESBY: Then you might want a Motorola F3?
KING RICHARD III: I might.
CATESBY: But tell me, sire, do you or do you not have AT&T?
KING RICHARD III: What impertinence! I’ll have you thrown to the dogs! To ask such a personal question of your lord? ‘Tis unheard of!
CATESBY: I merely inquired to ascertain whether it would be worthwhile to pick up your calls during the day hours.
KING RICHARD III: Worthwhile to pick up my calls? Of course it would be worthwhile to pick up my calls-it’s always worthwhile to pick up my calls!
CATESBY: Very well said, my lord. Which of these two phones shall I be procuring for you?
KING RICHARD III: Which of these two phones? Are either of them fit for a king? Maybe for a miserable cur like yourself, but for the King of England and France and Lord of Ireland? Hmm?
CATESBY: Perhaps you’d like a more substantial phone? Something with a little more vim and vigor, a little more pep and prescience, a little more…
KING RICHARD III: Yes yes yes, but enough with the alliterative stylization, I grow tired of your perambulatorious statements-suggest a proper phone at once!
CATESBY: Perhaps, my undying and undefeated sovereign, a suitable phone would be the highly praised SIDEKICK LX? This is a truly gorgeous phone, with many features fit for a king, and it’s not even locked! It’s like you died and went to cellular heaven!
KING RICHARD III: Don’t talk to me about death, I am reminded too much of Bosworth. Rather speak of towers and princes.
CATESBY: You mean a cell phone tower? Have I got the product for you! This little baby will cleanse your skin and make you feel years younger!
KING RICHARD III: How will a cell phone tower accomplish that?
CATESBY: It won’t. I refer not to a cellphone tower, but to the product of the future, featuring Alpha Hydroxy Acids and plenty of other good shtuff… it’s Nonie of Beverly Hills’ exclusive line of HIS! products!
KING RICHARD III: You sound like that was a paid endorsement.
CATESBY: It was a paid endorsement. But feel how silky-smooth my skin is, and look how much younger I appear to be!
KING RICHARD III: No thanks, I’d rather not feel you. In appearance you are correct, however. You look much better now, as if you’d been summering in California.
CATESBY: Until next time then…
KING RICHARD III:
A phone, a phone, my kingdom for a phone!
CATESBY:
Withdraw, my lord; I’ll help you to a phone.
KING RICHARD III:
But which phone shall I choose?
CATESBY:
A noble question, my lord- what is it that you were looking for?
KING RICHARD III:
Which features doth I require?
CATESBY:
Exactly, my lord.
KING RICHARD III:
Are you so imbecile, you worthless scum, that you do not know what features a king needeth in a phone?
CATESBY:
You tell me, white boy.
KING RICHARD III:
A king needs a phone that’s fit for a king, with all the modern conveniences!
CATESBY:
To be continued…
KING RICHARD III:
Say what?
CATESBY:
I mean, you know, we’ll work on it tomorrow.
There are a few key factors when choosing the right phone for the elderly–the handset needs to be easy to use with a minimum of fuss, it should have a bright display with large fonts, the keypad should have large and tactile keys, and call quality needs to be top-notch. Several phones have managed to meet these criteria, including the Verizon Wireless Coupe and the Samsung Jitterbug Dial, but most of them are still pretty basic phones, based on the thesis that senior citizens don’t need a lot of features. Enter the Pantech Breeze, a phone definitely focused on ease of use, but one that kicks things up a notch by incorporating a simple VGA camera, multimedia messaging, and even Bluetooth. Pantech and AT&T are marketing the Breeze as a phone ideal for the elderly as well as those with vision problems, but we think the Breeze is such a pleasure to use that it would be great for anyone who wants an excellent entry-level phone. Get this phone today for only $59.95!
